You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
