i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
