Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
