I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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