He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
