Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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