the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You can't special order awesome
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
