mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
