I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
