So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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