the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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