The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
