who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
