Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
