My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
only if we run a train.
done.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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