I wish I could teleport
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
