I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
