Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
