Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
