you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize