You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
