i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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