Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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