I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
