my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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