your parents love me but you hate me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
