the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
