Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
