Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize