one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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