my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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