he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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