Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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