Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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