Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
