dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We named our party play list daddy issues
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
sarcasm needs its own font
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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