The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
