How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
