She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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