Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is it because I queefed?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
