Got a toothbrush?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
