I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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