cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
