My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The power of my boobs compel you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize