i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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