I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
