please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
