when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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