she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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