sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
