You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
