was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
There's even glitter on my cock...
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