God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This is my gift to your gina
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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