I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sext me about skeletons
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
