Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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