she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
