I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
