Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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