Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
