Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
