I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
