i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
